She's here!!

Better late than never... 

On July 11, Rowyn Elizabeth was born!  She arrived via c-section, for many reasons, but she was/is perfectly healthy.

The Great Upstairs Scramble

In spite of not working much on the bathroom, we ARE working.  After moving Ethan into a "big" (twin-sized) bed, what little organization and order that was left upstairs completely fell apart.  Since we started seriously decluttering last year, I have a much lower tolerance for chaos.  I can deal with a few piles here and there, but the stuff-piled-everywhere-and-no-room-to-live types of clutter really get to me.  And my hormones are screaming that I need to get busy because I only have (at most) 13 weeks left before the new baby gets here.  So, I took a few days off of work, and we've been working to get the upstairs back in some kind of order.

 So far I've gone through everything in Ethan's soon-to-be room (formerly my office) and decluttered.  While we weren't able to move everything out due to space constraints, when we are done, only his bed, a dresser, a hope chest, and a bookcase will be in there.  I'll also probably move in a bin organizer and store a few toys and books in there.  I recently purged toys, so we don't have a lot, but I want some upstairs so I can put a gate over the stairwell and have him occupied in his room while I shower. 

 We've also painted.  His room is now light green, to coordinate with his Carter's Forest Friends/Tree Tops theme.  I bought the valances and flannel receiving blankets from the set, and my aunt turned them into an adorable quilt. 

New color!

Quilt-in-progress

I have 2 additional valances for the windows, and we'll get some kind of coordinating rug and maybe some decals for the wall.  I'm really excited with the way it's all coming together.

Ethan's current room will remain the nursery, no painting or modification necessary.  My aunt is making another quilt for Baby Girl, and we'll find coordinating curtains and a rug.  We'll just set the crib back up, and we'll be in business!

The best part is that once we're done with all this rearranging, painting, and organizing, the upstairs should be pretty much done!  If the weather is nice in the next few weeks, I'll supervise sealing, staining, and shellacking the woodwork, and maybe the hallway can get finished too  :)

The story of the twins: Part 10

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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We named her Sophia Marie.  She weighed 7 oz and was 8 inches long.  She had a heartbeat for about 4 hours after birth, and we were able to have her blessed by the hospital chaplain before she died.  We had my mom and MIL in to meet our baby girl, and both of them held her.  But I couldn't.  I looked, but I just couldn't bring myself to hold the baby my body had forced from my womb.  The hospital took photos, footprints, and made a cast of her hands.  A professional photographer also came in to take pictures.  Later that night, the funeral home came to pick her up.  We're having her and her brother cremated and plan to plant a tree in their memory.  We may or may not scatter the ashes.

The placenta was sent off to a lab to be checked for abnormalities.  Both were fused, which is what caused my body to continue contractions after Baby A  (we named him Owen Lee) was born.  Somehow my body knew that a placenta needed to come out, but didn't realize it was attached to the "live" placenta.  The "dead" placenta was also very likely the source of my infection.  Once I had miscarried Owen, loss was inevitable.

I came home from the hospital yesterday morning, after receiving more antibiotics overnight.  It's good to be home and to spend time with Ethan, but I'm just so sad.  Shayne and I had agreed after our first loss, that if we ever had another, we'd be done trying for babies.  And although I know it's way too soon to make decisions, all I want right now is a baby.  I feel cheated.  I never wanted or expected twins, and was just starting to get used to the idea.  Now I have to adjust to the idea of no babies at all.  It's so hard.

The story of the twins: Part 9

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Worst day ever... I'm still at the hospital, so this will be quick. I started to miscarry last night and lost a lot of blood. We came to the hospital around 8 am. I had an infection as well as needing a blood transfusion and fluids.

I delivered Baby Girl several hours layer. The placentas were fused, and my body has been trying to rid itself of the "dead" portion since I had Baby Boy. It was also likely the cause of the infection.

I still feel horrible. I don't know how to deal with it, and all I can do is cry. I'm staying overnight at the hospital because of the transfusions, but will go home in the morning. I'm just heartbroken.

The story of the twins: Part 8

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Things aren't looking good.  I started cramping and having contractions last night, and I lost maybe 3 good-sized pieces of what appeared to me to be placenta.  I also lost a lot of fluid at one point, but I wasn't able to determine really how much or what color it was, because I was sitting on the toilet at the time.  There's a really good chance that it was amniotic fluid.  I pretty much prepared for the worst and resigned myself to the fact that I was having a miscarriage.

And then it all stopped.  Again.  I wish my body would figure out what the heck it's doing and do it already.  

I called my midwife, and the ultrasound tech doesn't come in til this afternoon.  I have an appointment at 12:45 to see what's going on with my cervix, the placenta, and amniotic fluid levels.  I'm almost scared that the baby will still have a heartbeat.  I sort of just don't want to hope anymore.  My midwife wasn't terribly optimistic, but also seemed confused that everything had suddenly stopped.  I can still feel the baby high up in my uterus, laying transverse.  I thought I felt movement once, but I'm nowhere near sure.

I just don't know.

Later: The only "good" news is that the baby still has a heartbeat (154).  My membranes did rupture, likely from all the contracting to pass a large piece of placenta last night.  The baby has some fluid, but not much.  The doc says not enough for lung development, but I've read some stories about similar situations, and I still have a shred of hope.  My cervix was more open than it was before, but I'm still passing bits and pieces. It's not fully dilated or anything, so they have no idea if I'm close to a full-blown miscarriage or not.

Basically, we're still wait-and-see.  The OB is going to talk to the perinatologist to see if an infusion of fluid may do some good.  The OB was of the opinion that is of more risk than benefit right now. There is a small chance that the membranes will repair themselves and/or refill, but it's not likely.

I was so shocked that there was still a heartbeat.  If nothing else, this little baby girl is a hell of a fighter.  

Even later:  Ugh.  What a long, crappy, trying day.  I can still feel baby girl moving around, and my heart just breaks that my body isn't the safe place for her that it should be. 

My temp is up to a little over 100F, and every other time I've had a temperature spike, it's meant that I'm preparing to lose more tissue/placenta/whatever.  I'm NOT looking forward to tonight.  The cervix and uterus aren't supposed to be voluntary muscles, but I wonder if somehow I'm holding everything in during the day and it can only come out after I've gone to sleep.  I've heard of women holding off having babies during wars or for spouses to arrive, and I wonder if I'm inadvertently just prolonging things.

Part of me wants so badly to just be done.  I don't see a happy ending to this no matter what, since there will be physical effects to my baby even if she manages to make it to viability.  And then I feel her wiggle around inside me, and I know I can't possibly give up when she's fighting so hard.  What a horrible place to be.

The story of the twins: Part 7

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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The good news is that we're 8 days in, and Baby Girl is still in there.  Not-so-good news is that I was up with contractions for what seemed like half the night.  Talk about making you paranoid, especially because the baby was lower in my uterus than usual.  I can't say how many contractions or how often, because I was honestly afraid to look.  I just figured if I was going to give birth, I'd know soon enough.  I drank a big glass of water, laid on my side, and prayed that if this was it I'd get it over quickly.  And they went away.  

Looking back at Ethan's birth, I had a few times where I initially thought I was in labor.  I would have regular contractions for an hour or so, then they'd taper off and go away.  But when the real labor contractions hit, they were so much stronger than the "practice" contractions.  And now that I'm awake and rational, this seems like much the same thing, more like BH contractions than the Real Thing.

This morning, Baby Girl was back up high in my uterus and I could feel her moving around.  I'm feeling much, much better emotionally than yesterday, but I'm SO tired.  I'd kill for a decent night of sleep.   On top of all the pregnancy-related drama, we've had a plumbing back-up, flooded basement, and a $800 bill for installing a clean-out in our main drain.  We'll also have bills from 2 hospital visits, though I'm praying it'll be like when I had Ethan and between my and Shayne's insurance, we'll come out free and clear.  It's been a rough couple weeks.  I'll take my vacation now!!  

The story of the twins: Part 6

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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I took a "mental health day" from work - I just couldn't bear to go in and face anyone.  I couldn't even call in and talk to the secretary.  She's a nice woman, but asks lots of questions, and I just couldn't deal.  I know it's because she cares, she cried yesterday when I told her we had lost one of the babies, but I wasn't up for it today.  I texted a co-worker and asked him to tell her to put me down for a sick day when he went in.  He had taken a personal day, but he called in for me.  I love my guys.  I guess the secretary tried to play 20 questions with him too, but all I had told him was that I was tired and emotionally drained.  

I still dropped Ethan off at the babysitters (my best friend's parents) and spent some time talking with them.  Just normal stuff, nothing about babies or pregnancy or anything stressful.  It was nice to be able to forget about everything for 20 minutes.

I came home, ate some junk food - I am SUCH a stress-induced eater! - and chilled out reading for a while.  And then I had to use the bathroom.  While I was sitting, I just lost it.  I'm so tired of waiting for something to fall out of me every time I have to pee!  I'm tired of wearing pads.  I've been in the damned things for 3 weeks, and now I can't even wear cloth because I don't want to risk any infection.  I'm sick of every little stomach gurgle making me paranoid, of counting the days to some magical "safe" number that will never make me feel safe, and of wondering if my body will suddenly reject the baby girl I still have growing inside me.

I now totally understand why people have scheduled inductions or c-sections.  If I were 36 weeks today, I'd tell them to just cut me open and get this baby out already.  I want to see her, I want to *know* she's okay instead of just waiting and hoping for itty-bitty little flutters.  I want to hold a living baby, not a tiny, still being that fit in the palm of my hand.

I don't even have any tears left, but I can't stop crying today.  I'm not sure what I'm even crying for.  Loss of Baby Boy?  Worry for Baby Girl?  Self-pity?  Fear of the future?  I even feel sort of relieved that I'm *not* having twins, because I just was never able to wrap my head around having two babies at once.  Obviously, I'd never have wished for this to happen, but...  It's all just a big jumble.  I know it's all normal and natural, and I'm working through a lot at one time.  I know it's not all going to go away overnight.  I know that it will get a little easier.  

But today it all just really sucks.

The story of the twins: Part 5

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Still here.  7 days down.  

I had a really rough night last night.  I lost a dried apricot-sized clot around 7 pm, and freaked out a little bit.  I spent the rest of the evening just laying down and taking it easy, trying to feel Baby Girl moving.  I started bleeding a little more, but that seems normal, since something detached and came out.  I felt a little better after nothing else happened, and even managed to get to bed early.

But I must have gotten up 4 or 5 times overnight just to check and see if I was bleeding.  I'd lay there in bed, and it would feel like my pad was sopping wet, or that blood was just running out of me...  And I'd go to the bathroom and there would be nothing.  Not that I'm complaining that it was nothing, but it sure didn't make for a restful night.  On top of it all, I had some gas from my prenatal, and every time I'd feel *something* moving around in my pelvis, I'd kind of freak out a bit until I was sure what it was.

I was going to go back to work full time starting tomorrow, but maybe I'll wait for that magic 2 week mark.  Hopefully then I'll be sleeping a little better and/or more relaxed.  I'm kind of an emotional mess today. 

Later:  I ended up passing another little clot, so I called my midwife.  She was on her days off, but still spent about a half hour on the phone talking with me.  She agrees that if I'm going to miscarry at this point, it will be a big, physically traumatic thing.  Not like I'll just sit down on the toilet and have a baby fall out with no warning.  I sort of assumed as much, but it was nice to hear it from someone else.  She encouraged me to stay positive, since my body has done everything it could so far to keep Baby Girl safe, and even though I'm bleeding more, it's pretty obviously in response to losing clots and not totally random.  

I'm still just having a rough day.  All I want to do is cry.  It's so freaking HARD to not know what's going to happen, on top of having lost one baby already.  I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this pregnancy without having a mental breakdown. 

The story of the twins: Part 4

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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6 days!

I seriously dread every night because that's when I lost the baby and both pieces of the placenta.  Since there was no pain, I kind of freak out a bit every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  It's like I'm just waiting for something else to fall out, even though I know that if there were problems now, it would be a full-blown labor/miscarriage experience and have lots of signs.

I was reading a bit in the birth loss forums, and came across a good idea.  I had my mom make some phone calls, and we found a funeral home that will cremate Baby Boy for us for free.  I feel terrible about keeping him in the freezer...   But I don't want to bury him until we know what will happen with his sister.  This will be a good interim solution, and then we may choose to scatter his ashes near the place where he was born and still plant the tree in our yard as a memorial.

I wasn't feeling Baby Girl moving yesterday, so I got a little worried.  I laid on the couch and called my best friend, and she started wiggling up a storm.  I guess she likes her "aunt"!  I also felt her a bit last night.  I'm so, so grateful for every day she stays inside growing bigger and stronger.  Only 8 more days til the doc will be more optimistic, then 7 weeks to official viability.  

The story of the twins: Part 3

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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We're 5 days post-delivery of Baby A, and Baby B still seems fine.  I'm spotting less and less, and I feel better physically than I have in AGES.  I was exhausted and in pain for a long time before this happened.  But now I'm cautiously optimistic that everything will be okay. I was worried from week 7 that something was wrong with this pregnancy, and after finding that it was twins, I was worried about losing one.  I never expected to miscarry, but I was worried about vanishing twin, or having major complications from them being born too early.  I'm still worried that Baby B might not stick, but I don't feel like I'm going to lose her, you know what I mean?  I must pray at least a hundred times a day for her to stay in there and stay healthy, and I hope that God is going to bless us with a miracle baby.  

We've decided to bury Baby A in the backyard and plant a tree over him.  We are thinking a weeping cherry, since 1) they have beautiful flowers, and 2) we were up north in cherry country when I gave birth to him.  We don't plan on living here forever, but I'm okay with leaving him if we move.  My aunt thinks we should buy a cemetery plot or something... But I don't want to be buried in a cemetery, and I don't want my baby in one either.  If I could legally bury him up on a sand dune by Lake Michigan or in a cherry orchard, I'd do that.  Barring that, I believe his place is at home.  I guess I'm not that attached to the physical remains of people.  My grieving process isn't dependent on or helped by being able to "visit" them.  I would like to maybe have his footprints engraved or photo-engraved on a pendent or something.

The story of the twins: Part 2

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Okay.  I saw both my OB and a maternal fetal medicine specialist this morning.  They just checked for a heartbeat at my OB appointment, and asked general questions about how I was doing, are we coping okay, etc.  He did find a heatbeat, though the baby was squirming so much that we couldn't get an accurate reading.

At the specialist, we had a very detailed ultrasound.  She checked the placenta, my cervix, the amniotic sac, and all major anatomy.  The placenta has blood flow to the entire organ, and my cervix appears to be closed.  They usually use a transvaginal ultrasound to check cervical stuff, but because of the risk of infection, just used the abdominal one.  Baby B is doing just fine, is still measuring about a week ahead, and shows no signs of being in any distress.   And, from what the tech saw, she is just about positive that Baby B is a little girl.  

The not-so-good news is that I could still miscarry at any time.  The specialist said that in 30 years of practice, he has seen this happen 5 times.  In one, the mother miscarried both twins 5 days apart at a little over 20 weeks.  I didn't ask what happened to the other 4.  He did say that if Baby B stays in there for 2 weeks after the birth of Baby A, he sees no reason why I couldn't and wouldn't carry til the baby is full term.  Basically, the longer the baby is in there, the less we can worry.  Right now it's just day by day.  There is still a significant risk of infection, but he doesn't want to suppress my immune system by arbitrarily ordering antibiotics.  He also said that everything looks nearly perfect physically, and that if he hadn't known I'd just miscarried a baby, there would be no indications that anything had happened.

So I guess it's about as good as it can be.  I'll take it.  Please, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  Stay in there Baby Girl!

The story of the twins: Part 1

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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I lost one of the twins two days ago...  

Shayne, Ethan, Alex (my step-daughter), and I were on vacation with my mother.  We'd rented a cottage near Lake Michigan near Northport and were just planning on sitting on the beach, eating good food, and chilling out for a few days.  I'd still been spotting and having weird pains, but I talked to the nurse practitioner at my midwife practice before I left, and she had said there's really no reason not to go; we weren't sure why I was having complications, but I'm so early that there's not much to be done anyways in the event of problems.  I figured a little R&R would be a good thing, and hopefully I'd get rested up and start to feel a little better.  I just haven't felt good since I had that flu about 2 weeks ago.

We got there, and everything was pretty much business as usual til the second day.  I had a big gush of fluid at about 6 pm.  Looking back, it was amniotic fluid, but I'd been having so much else going on "down there" that I sort of dismissed that thought.  I did mention it to Shayne, but said I wasn't positive.  But later that night I started bleeding more and had two small contractions.  I gave birth to Baby A at about 2:30 am on the 19th.  

We went to the hospital and took the baby with us.  They checked to see if they could determine gender, but he (I'm just going to call it a he) was so small that they couldn't be sure.  They took little impressions of his feet and photos for us and put it all together in a memory box.

I had an ultrasound there, and Baby B appeared to be doing fine.  There was still a heartbeat and plenty of amniotic fluid.  My cervix was also closed, which was a good thing.  I didn't appear to be in imminent danger of losing the other baby, but the doctor said that the prognosis just isn't good.  I guess when you lose one and actually give birth to it, the chances for having a successful pregnancy with the second baby go way down.  I'd heard of vanishing twin syndrome (and was oddly worried about it since finding out I was pregnant with twins), but I've not really heard of losing and birthing one but not the other.

I'm on my way home now.  We have an appointment with my midwife and ob tomorrow, then they'll decide whether or not they still want me to keep my specialist appointment that I had already scheduled.  When I spoke to the nurse practitioner on the phone, she said that she has heard of a successful, full-term pregnancy after the loss of one baby, but we just have to be very careful about infection.  I'm also worried because the hospital doc said I wasn't likely to lose the placenta until after I gave birth to the other baby (whether that be sooner or later), but I'm pretty sure I lost one piece on each of the past two nights...

I feel so strange.  I'm so sad about losing Baby A, but grateful that Baby B seems ok.  But I don't want to get my hopes up.  Even if everything still looks okay at the appointment tomorrow, I know I'll spend the rest of the pregnancy paranoid.  My weird pains are gone, and there was really no pain at all from the birthing process - not at all like my first miscarriage.  I'm still spotting, too.  It's like just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  *sigh*  I hate being pregnant...  I wish there was some way to know if my other baby will be okay.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Toddling along...

I'm not sure that anyone really noticed my absence, but I haven't had any time to even think about updated recently.  About a month ago, Ethan took his first steps.  He's a little on the slow side of normal to hit his milestones, but when he starts to do something new, he does it well almost immediately.  Like rolling.  He practiced a bit, but once he rolled over once, he was constantly doing it.  And crawling...  He never got up on his hand and knees, never rocked, never seemed to practice.  Then one day he just took off.

It's been the same with walking.  He went straight from cruising the furniture to walking across the room.  He took 3 steps on his own to start with, and they've just multiplied exponentially from there.  Now he's almost running. 

On top of that, he spends every second trying to remove the contents from every cupboard or terrorize the dog.  And since he's so busy... so am I.  :)

Ethan at 6 months

The reason I never get anything done anymore:

Dear Ethan,

Today you are one month old.  I know it's a cliche, but I still can't believe how quickly it has gone by.  Tomorrow will be the start of my 5th week of maternity leave.  Only 7 weeks left to stay home with you full-time.

You are a very easygoing baby, and I really don't have any complaints.  When I was pregnant I tried to prepare myself for being up all night with a screaming baby, but that hasn't happened (yet).  Our first night in the hospital you slept for 6 hours straight.  You haven't duplicated that yet, so I'm lucky to get 4 hours between feedings at night, but you do go right back to bed after you eat and get a diaper change.  You sometimes have fussy periods during the afternoon or evening, which I think is due to your tummy bothering you.  I'm looking into remedies for that, but it might just be something we have to get through.

We're still waiting for your first "real" smile.  You smile like crazy after you've eaten, or in your sleep, but not really in response to me or your dad.  There have been a couple times when I thought you might be smiling at me, but I'm just not sure.  Most times, though you don't seem unhappy, you have a permanent scowl on your face.  It's the exact face that your dad makes when he first wakes up.  He's not a morning person, and I'm thinking you probably aren't either.  But he's afraid that you won't like him, since all you do is scowl at us, so you should really work on that smiling so he'll feel better.

Eating is without a doubt your favorite thing in the world.  You very rarely scowl while you eat.  And you're getting plenty, since you've already shot up to 12 lbs 4 oz and 23.5" at your last pediatrician appointment.  You're off the growth charts and already into 3-6 month clothing.  You also outgrew your x-small diaper covers.  At this rate, you'll weigh about 65 lbs at your first birthday... 

For the first few weeks we always swaddled you before a meal.  You got to know the routine, and when we wrapped you up, you would get so excited you'd start to snort.  Now you just make your mouth into an O shape and breathe really fast.  It's cute, but not as comical as the snorting.

You also seem to like going for walks in the morning.  Even when it's chilly I've been trying to get us both out for some fresh air.   Sometimes we take the jogging stroller (and yesterday I even jogged!), and sometimes I put you in the Beco carrier.  Either way, you usually go right to sleep.

All-in-all, everything is going much better than I expected.  I guess it can pay to expect the worst, but you're pretty much the best baby two clueless parents could hope for.  We appreciate it!

Love,
Mom

Minor adjustments

Ethan is now almost 3 weeks old, and I've been on maternity leave for a few days more than that. Since then (aside from pushing the not-so-little guy out!), I've accomplished pretty much nothing. I have cooked one meal, vacuumed a few times, mopped the floor, and kept the kitchen mostly clean. I've washed diapers galore. I'm really scared to see our utility bill this month...! On nice days I put Ethan in the stroller or sling and go for a walk (except today because I'm lazy). But even when he's sleeping (which he does most of the time), I'm too chicken to be more than 10 feet away from him because I'm worried he might wake up and cry. 

Oh, the joys of being a new parent!  :)

I know I'm normal. I know babies cry. I know than the extra 4 seconds it would take me to run down, or up, the stairs wouldn't permanently damage him. But even when he's just sleeping, I feel like I should be doing ...something... with him. Or that I have to stay very close by in case he wakes up.  I do wear him in the sling or Beco carrier, but even then I end up playing on the computer instead of cleaning up the house.  When he's awake, I talk to him, and "play" with him, but that's only for maybe 20 minutes at a time. 

I've gotten out a few times, to the grocery store, Barnes and Noble, and to Applebees with Shayne or my mom. But aside from outside destinations like going hiking or something, there are not a lot of places I want to go. I'm not much of a window shopper, so I'm kind of at a loss for what to DO all day.  I don't even know what I want to do.

I'm not feeling any pressure to get things done, but I need a little bit more to fill up my days besides staring at the baby.  I like being a mommy, but I need a little structure or something.  There are plenty of things around the house I could do, I suppose.  Organize the "new" hall closet, make and can more applesauce, organize the back porch/laundry room/mud room, finish writing thank-you cards from the baby shower... 

My goal this week is to accomplish one small something each day, even if it's just getting out of the house.  I'm making a list, and every day I stay at home, I'll try to get something crossed off it.  If I can pry myself away from the sleeping baby...

Welcome to the world, baby Ethan!!

What do you know...  I actually finished a project for once!!

Ethan Edward entered this world on 9/29 at 1342 hrs.  He weighed 9 lbs 7 oz and is 21" long, and I delivered him completely drug-free!

I wanted to type out the story of his birth while everything is still relatively fresh in my mind.  If you have a problem with graphic descriptions, then you might not want to keep reading...  : )

I started having noticible contractions on Monday night at around 9:30 pm and told Shayne he should probably stay home from work.  They weren't bad, but they were regular (about 7-10 minutes apart), and something just told me that this was it.  I called my doula to give her a heads-up, then tried to get some rest. 

Yeah, that didn't happen...  I was feeling the contractions mostly in my back, and laying down through them was uncomfortable enough that I didn't want to do it.  I layed down for a while, and it was like I could just feel this gaping hole opening up inside me.  I wasn't trying to visualize anything, it just felt like that's what was happening.  I did the positioning exercises suggested to me to prevent or turn a posterior baby, but was still having lots of back pain.  In fact, there were very few contractions that hurt all the way around.  Or maybe it just felt that way because of the back labor.

By 4:30 am Tuesday morning, my contractions were about 3 minutes apart.  This is when my midwife told me I should go to the hospital, but I just wasn't sure.  I'd heard that you just know when it's time to go, but I guess I'm not one of those people.  I called my mom, who suggested I go, then my doula.  My doula didn't seem positive that I was ready.  I talked to her through 3 contractions, though, and by the third, we had decided I should go and get checked.  If I wasn't dilated to at least 5 cm, I figured I'd just come back home.  My mom agreed to meet us there.

Sitting in the car through contractions sucked.  A lot.  At home I had to stand and sway my hips through each one to find a position where my back didn't quite hurt as badly.  I obviously couldn't do that in the car, and when we it bumps while I was having a contraction it was pretty painful.  Shayne (carefully) ran every red light we came to, which I thought was funny.  When we got close to the hospital there was a stretch of brick-paved road we had to go down.  This stretch had hurt even when I was having Braxton-Hicks contractions, and I had warned him in advance that I'd kill him if he drove down that road if I was having a contraction.  Of course I was having one then.  We waiting at a green light for what felt like forever and waited for my uterus to behave itself, then finally made it to the childbirth unit.

We entered the childbirth triage, where I was told to pee in a cup (maybe I'm not really pregnant after all!) and put on a hospital gown.  I told the receptionist/nurse that I'd be staying in my own clothes, which seemed to offend her personally.  After I went into the bathroom I heard her tell Shayne, "Well, she's not going to give birth in sweatpants!"  Maybe not, but I sure as hell wasn't putting on something that would leave my ass bare to the world.  So in my yoga pants and tank top I stayed.

The actual triage nurse was much more accomodating and let me stand up while I was being monitored.  I continued with my belly-dance-through-a-contraction maneuvers until she was ready to do a pelvic exam.  I was completely expecting to be only 2 cm.  After all, first time mothers usually go slowly, and the contractions just didn't seem that painful.  Nowhere near what I'd been expecting.  To my surprise, I was nearly 7 cm.  I hadn't shown up pushing, but it didn't look like I was going to be spending an eternity in the hospital either.  I was admitted and called my doula to come on over.  It was probably a little after 5:30 am by now, but from here on out my time sense got a little fuzzy.

Once I was in my L&D room I was put on cordless monitors because they weren't seeing the accelerations in the baby's heartbeat with each contraction.  My doula arrived and we agreed to try a more aggressive positioning exercise (Texas Roll?) to try to ensure that the baby was not posterior.  My back labor was a little worrisome to me as my mom had had the same thing and I had been jammed against her pelvis and unable to come out.  I did NOT want a c-section if at all possible.  So with the first exercise, I had to lay flat on my back with a rolled-up sheet under my lower back.  It hyper-extends the lower back to allow the baby more room to reposition.  And it hurts like hell.  I stayed there for what felt like forever, then moved to the"roll-over" position.  In that one you lay mostly on your belly with pillows under whichever side you want the baby to move to.  That one hurt too, but I suppose most things having to do with labor do hurt...

After that I could feel that the baby was laying more "back to belly" than before.  My midwife confirmed it, so I was "allowed" to resume laboring in any position I wanted.  My back still really hurt through each contraction, though, even though the baby was supposedly in a better position.  I tried laboring in the whirlpool tub, walking up and down the hall, and probaby a few other things that I don't remember.  Nothing but standing up seemed to help the back pain, which really disappointed me.  I'd had visions of a zen-like labor in the whirlpool, then a waterbirth.  Not so much.

Around 11:30 (maybe?), I asked my doula if there was anything we could do to speed things along.  I was getting really tired, and I didn't feel like my contractions were geting me anywhere.  She said we could have my midwife break my water, assuming an internal exam showed that I was dilated enough.  By breaking my water, my contractions would hopefully become more productive.  She also expressed concern that I was so tired and didn't seem to be making any progress.  I was really nervous about having any interventions, so I decided I'd try to rest for a while first.  Shayne and I both laid down, and everyone left the room.  Shayne got a nap, but my back hurt so much with each contraction that I pretty much just laid there and wondered why natural childbirth was so important to me.  I still didn't want an epidural, but I totally understand why people get them.  I felt like every muscle in my body was contracting right along with my uterus, even though I was trying so hard to relax.

After a while I got up, found my mom and my doula, and told them I wanted to have my water broken.  I needed to get this over with, and that was the least invasive way we could all think of.  So Kristen (my midwife) checked me, found I was 9+ cm, and used a crochet needle-looking instrument to try to break the bag of waters.  Which didn't quite work.  After 5 minutes of fishing around, she finally managed.  For some reason, my membranes were extremely stretchy and tough, and she couldn't puncture it. 

From that point on, things really got going.  The contractions (and back pain) intensified, and I had a few panicky minutes where I swore I just couldn't do it.  Shayne, my mom, and my doula all talked me through it, though, and a little while later they asked me if I wanted to try pushing.

The nurse hooked a bar to the bed, and I tried a few different positions.  I didn't feel an urge to push, though, and I wasn't quite sure how to do it.  Another pelvic exam, and Kristen found that there was a lip of cervix that was holding things up.  I had to lay back down on my back, back on the rolled up sheet to tilt my pelvis, and Kristen held down the lip while I tried my best to push.  After a few tries, I finally got a decent one or two, and the baby moved over the lip and into the birth canal.

Holy crap.  I'd read on someone else's birth story that the pushing stage was like trying to shit a watermelon out your asshole.  I can't describe it any better than that.  I'm not even going to try.  Pushing sucked more than anything I'd ever imagined and hurt like hell.  At some point the folks at the business end said they could see the baby's head, and everyone kept saying how much hair he had.  I kept thinking, "Who gives a shit how much hair this baby has...  Get him OUT!"  I lost my contraction while he was crowning and had to wait for the next until I could push him out.  That was the worst part.  I begged for a shot of lidocaine.  My mom kept telling me to push, and I just couldn't.  It felt like forever, but I finally had another contraction, and out he came.

Immediate relief.  Ethan's hand had been up by his face, which was probably why I'd had such intense back labor.  They quickly wiped him off and put him on my stomach.  He DID have a lot of hair.  And he was huge.  I don't know that I was thinking much at this point, but I was (and still am) amazed that a fully-formed person came out of me. 

So...  I'd say I have a pretty good excuse for not getting anything done around the house for the next 3 months or so  :)

More fall food: Beef and barley stew

In the spirit of fall, I made some beef and barley stew this morning to put in the freezer for after baby arrives (assuming he ever does...).  We're trying to get several meals stored so that we don't end up eating Chinese take-out or pizza every night.  I'm sure I won't feel much like cooking for the first couple of weeks.  So far we have stuffed peppers, stuffed cabbage, shepherd's pie, and crab corn chowder stashed in there.  Plus a few "emergency" microwave meals.  All-in-all we have 8-10 days worth of homemade dinners, but I'm somehow worried we're going to starve.  I guess because I have no idea what top expect or what I'll be up for in the days following the baby's arrival, it's making me a little edgy.  So I'm making more food!

I found a basic recipe on the internet, then added and fudged a bit to my own tastes.  It turned out really well, and I wish I wouldn't have eaten lunch so I could have had a nice, big bowl. 

1 pound beef stew meat, cut into 1/2 inch pieces

1 tablespoon olive oil
2 cups sliced carrots
2 cups cubed potatoes (I used redskins, since they hold their shape better)
1 cup chopped onion
1 cup sliced celery
2 cloves garlic cloves, minced
1 cup sliced baby portobello mushrooms
1 (14.5 ounce) can stewed tomatoes, including liquid
2 cups beef broth
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon dried thyme
1/2 teaspoon rosemary
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/2 cup uncooked medium pearl barley
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar


In a thick-bottomed pot, brown beef in olive oil. Add the carrots, onion, celery, potatoes and garlic; cook for 5 minutes. Add the mushrooms, stewed tomatoes, broth, and seasonings.

Bring to a boil, then reduce heat, cover, and simmer for about 90 minutes. Add barley; cover and simmer 45-60 minutes longer or until barley and meat are tender.  Remove bay leaves and add balsamic vinegar.  Serve!

Makes approximately 2 quarts (8 small servings).
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And now I'm off to make some chicken pot pie...

Hurry up and wait

Because he has a family and two "real" jobs, Tony the Drywall Guy hasn't been able to come over very often or for very long.  Next week, his family obligations are cleared up, and he said he'll stay until we kick him out!  I can't wait, since I'm a little tired of living and sleeping in a construction zone.  I'm hoping things go as planned and he can completely finish the job within 2 weeks.  I've got my fingers crossed...

While I'm waiting, I've been trying to organize all the hand-me-down baby items I've acquired.  My sister-in-law and cousins have been very generous, and a co-worker's wife has also offered all of her baby clothes, plus another friend is sending me some.  Yipes!  This kid isn't even born yet and already has more clothes than me!  I've got clothes from newborn all the way up to 3T.  Onesies, sleepers, blankets, socks, hats, coats, shoes, shirts...  I could probably open a store with all the baby clothes I have.  And I haven't even had my shower yet!  If anyone I know reads this, please don't get me any clothes!!

Our little garden is also slowly starting to grow.  We're going to have a ton of broccoli, and just the right amount of tomatoes and peppers to not be overwhelmed.  Now if the berries would just show up at the farmers market I could start making my jam...  We're also just about out of our freezer stash of veggies.  I think all I have left is some freezer-burnt broccoli (we still use it in stir-fry) and a few bags of corn.  I'm trying to be patient, but fresh fruit and veggies just sound SO good...

Wow, I really can keep a secret!

But today I decided it's been long enough...  As of this week, I am 20 weeks pregnant!! 

That's one of the reasons I went on a posting hiatus at the beginning of the year.  I felt awful for the first 15 weeks.  Morning sickness doesn't even begin to describe it.  Thankfully after about 12 weeks, I started getting some energy back, but the nausea didn't stop for another month or so.  Still, during that time we were busy squirrelling away baby bargains that we found secondhand.  So far we've managed to find a crib/changing table/dresser combo, bassinet, swing, bouncer, a Pottery Barn bedding set, a small dresser, a rocking chair, and a Jeep jogging stroller.  And I think our grand total is still under $500.  I'm so cheap.  Er, I mean "frugal".

Now that I feel better, we're working on the house a little more.  Tony the Drywall Guy has been dilligently working on the office walls, and he's finished the skimcoating.  This week, he's going to install the 4.5' by 8' "patch"  where the PPOs made a closet opening.

Tony also helped us find out that the knob and tube we found is indeed live.  Yay...  Fortunately, he also knows trustworthy electricians, and he's acting as a GC to get one here and working.  Tony is our new hero.  We're going to have the electrician remove the k&t as well as install wiring for a ceiling fan.  I might also have him look at the two outlets in the living room that suddenly stopped working...

The next stage of our project will be rebuilding the two closets between the bedrooms.  Considering the small space and the amount of damage done, I think we're just going to gut and drywall.  There's just not enough plaster left to even try to save it.  Considering how small the space is and how quickly Tony works, that should be a two-day project once we get there.

Amazing.  The end is near!