The story of the twins: Part 5

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Still here.  7 days down.  

I had a really rough night last night.  I lost a dried apricot-sized clot around 7 pm, and freaked out a little bit.  I spent the rest of the evening just laying down and taking it easy, trying to feel Baby Girl moving.  I started bleeding a little more, but that seems normal, since something detached and came out.  I felt a little better after nothing else happened, and even managed to get to bed early.

But I must have gotten up 4 or 5 times overnight just to check and see if I was bleeding.  I'd lay there in bed, and it would feel like my pad was sopping wet, or that blood was just running out of me...  And I'd go to the bathroom and there would be nothing.  Not that I'm complaining that it was nothing, but it sure didn't make for a restful night.  On top of it all, I had some gas from my prenatal, and every time I'd feel *something* moving around in my pelvis, I'd kind of freak out a bit until I was sure what it was.

I was going to go back to work full time starting tomorrow, but maybe I'll wait for that magic 2 week mark.  Hopefully then I'll be sleeping a little better and/or more relaxed.  I'm kind of an emotional mess today. 

Later:  I ended up passing another little clot, so I called my midwife.  She was on her days off, but still spent about a half hour on the phone talking with me.  She agrees that if I'm going to miscarry at this point, it will be a big, physically traumatic thing.  Not like I'll just sit down on the toilet and have a baby fall out with no warning.  I sort of assumed as much, but it was nice to hear it from someone else.  She encouraged me to stay positive, since my body has done everything it could so far to keep Baby Girl safe, and even though I'm bleeding more, it's pretty obviously in response to losing clots and not totally random.  

I'm still just having a rough day.  All I want to do is cry.  It's so freaking HARD to not know what's going to happen, on top of having lost one baby already.  I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this pregnancy without having a mental breakdown. 

The story of the twins: Part 4

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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6 days!

I seriously dread every night because that's when I lost the baby and both pieces of the placenta.  Since there was no pain, I kind of freak out a bit every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  It's like I'm just waiting for something else to fall out, even though I know that if there were problems now, it would be a full-blown labor/miscarriage experience and have lots of signs.

I was reading a bit in the birth loss forums, and came across a good idea.  I had my mom make some phone calls, and we found a funeral home that will cremate Baby Boy for us for free.  I feel terrible about keeping him in the freezer...   But I don't want to bury him until we know what will happen with his sister.  This will be a good interim solution, and then we may choose to scatter his ashes near the place where he was born and still plant the tree in our yard as a memorial.

I wasn't feeling Baby Girl moving yesterday, so I got a little worried.  I laid on the couch and called my best friend, and she started wiggling up a storm.  I guess she likes her "aunt"!  I also felt her a bit last night.  I'm so, so grateful for every day she stays inside growing bigger and stronger.  Only 8 more days til the doc will be more optimistic, then 7 weeks to official viability.  

The story of the twins: Part 3

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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We're 5 days post-delivery of Baby A, and Baby B still seems fine.  I'm spotting less and less, and I feel better physically than I have in AGES.  I was exhausted and in pain for a long time before this happened.  But now I'm cautiously optimistic that everything will be okay. I was worried from week 7 that something was wrong with this pregnancy, and after finding that it was twins, I was worried about losing one.  I never expected to miscarry, but I was worried about vanishing twin, or having major complications from them being born too early.  I'm still worried that Baby B might not stick, but I don't feel like I'm going to lose her, you know what I mean?  I must pray at least a hundred times a day for her to stay in there and stay healthy, and I hope that God is going to bless us with a miracle baby.  

We've decided to bury Baby A in the backyard and plant a tree over him.  We are thinking a weeping cherry, since 1) they have beautiful flowers, and 2) we were up north in cherry country when I gave birth to him.  We don't plan on living here forever, but I'm okay with leaving him if we move.  My aunt thinks we should buy a cemetery plot or something... But I don't want to be buried in a cemetery, and I don't want my baby in one either.  If I could legally bury him up on a sand dune by Lake Michigan or in a cherry orchard, I'd do that.  Barring that, I believe his place is at home.  I guess I'm not that attached to the physical remains of people.  My grieving process isn't dependent on or helped by being able to "visit" them.  I would like to maybe have his footprints engraved or photo-engraved on a pendent or something.

The story of the twins: Part 2

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Okay.  I saw both my OB and a maternal fetal medicine specialist this morning.  They just checked for a heartbeat at my OB appointment, and asked general questions about how I was doing, are we coping okay, etc.  He did find a heatbeat, though the baby was squirming so much that we couldn't get an accurate reading.

At the specialist, we had a very detailed ultrasound.  She checked the placenta, my cervix, the amniotic sac, and all major anatomy.  The placenta has blood flow to the entire organ, and my cervix appears to be closed.  They usually use a transvaginal ultrasound to check cervical stuff, but because of the risk of infection, just used the abdominal one.  Baby B is doing just fine, is still measuring about a week ahead, and shows no signs of being in any distress.   And, from what the tech saw, she is just about positive that Baby B is a little girl.  

The not-so-good news is that I could still miscarry at any time.  The specialist said that in 30 years of practice, he has seen this happen 5 times.  In one, the mother miscarried both twins 5 days apart at a little over 20 weeks.  I didn't ask what happened to the other 4.  He did say that if Baby B stays in there for 2 weeks after the birth of Baby A, he sees no reason why I couldn't and wouldn't carry til the baby is full term.  Basically, the longer the baby is in there, the less we can worry.  Right now it's just day by day.  There is still a significant risk of infection, but he doesn't want to suppress my immune system by arbitrarily ordering antibiotics.  He also said that everything looks nearly perfect physically, and that if he hadn't known I'd just miscarried a baby, there would be no indications that anything had happened.

So I guess it's about as good as it can be.  I'll take it.  Please, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  Stay in there Baby Girl!

The story of the twins: Part 1

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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I lost one of the twins two days ago...  

Shayne, Ethan, Alex (my step-daughter), and I were on vacation with my mother.  We'd rented a cottage near Lake Michigan near Northport and were just planning on sitting on the beach, eating good food, and chilling out for a few days.  I'd still been spotting and having weird pains, but I talked to the nurse practitioner at my midwife practice before I left, and she had said there's really no reason not to go; we weren't sure why I was having complications, but I'm so early that there's not much to be done anyways in the event of problems.  I figured a little R&R would be a good thing, and hopefully I'd get rested up and start to feel a little better.  I just haven't felt good since I had that flu about 2 weeks ago.

We got there, and everything was pretty much business as usual til the second day.  I had a big gush of fluid at about 6 pm.  Looking back, it was amniotic fluid, but I'd been having so much else going on "down there" that I sort of dismissed that thought.  I did mention it to Shayne, but said I wasn't positive.  But later that night I started bleeding more and had two small contractions.  I gave birth to Baby A at about 2:30 am on the 19th.  

We went to the hospital and took the baby with us.  They checked to see if they could determine gender, but he (I'm just going to call it a he) was so small that they couldn't be sure.  They took little impressions of his feet and photos for us and put it all together in a memory box.

I had an ultrasound there, and Baby B appeared to be doing fine.  There was still a heartbeat and plenty of amniotic fluid.  My cervix was also closed, which was a good thing.  I didn't appear to be in imminent danger of losing the other baby, but the doctor said that the prognosis just isn't good.  I guess when you lose one and actually give birth to it, the chances for having a successful pregnancy with the second baby go way down.  I'd heard of vanishing twin syndrome (and was oddly worried about it since finding out I was pregnant with twins), but I've not really heard of losing and birthing one but not the other.

I'm on my way home now.  We have an appointment with my midwife and ob tomorrow, then they'll decide whether or not they still want me to keep my specialist appointment that I had already scheduled.  When I spoke to the nurse practitioner on the phone, she said that she has heard of a successful, full-term pregnancy after the loss of one baby, but we just have to be very careful about infection.  I'm also worried because the hospital doc said I wasn't likely to lose the placenta until after I gave birth to the other baby (whether that be sooner or later), but I'm pretty sure I lost one piece on each of the past two nights...

I feel so strange.  I'm so sad about losing Baby A, but grateful that Baby B seems ok.  But I don't want to get my hopes up.  Even if everything still looks okay at the appointment tomorrow, I know I'll spend the rest of the pregnancy paranoid.  My weird pains are gone, and there was really no pain at all from the birthing process - not at all like my first miscarriage.  I'm still spotting, too.  It's like just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  *sigh*  I hate being pregnant...  I wish there was some way to know if my other baby will be okay.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.