Disclaimer: I am not crazy, though this post may make me sound like a paranoid nutjob. I am just using my blog to clear my head.
I had a dream last night, which was kind of odd. Either I don't remember my dreams lately, or I just haven't been having any because I don't sleep enough. It's probably some combination of both. Mostly, my dreams are about work: chasing people, shooting people, being shot, my partner getting shot... Fun things like that. I rarely have happy dreams, and last night's was no exception.
I'm not sure what had happened. In the way of all dreams, I started off somewhere in the middle of the storyline. Shayne and I were in Michigan, somewhere west of Detroit. It was far enough west that it was pretty rural, not in the suburbs of Detroit or Ann Arbor. Something bad had happened, something big, and people everywhere were panicked. There was no electricity, no running water, no social order. It was every man for himself, what the "tin foil hat" people call TEOTWAWKI (The End of the World as We Know It). Whatever had broken down society must have been fairly recent. People were scared, but there was no violence yet. Most people were simply wandering aimlessly or clustered together talking and crying. Shayne and I had originally been trying to get to wherever my mom was, but because of the increasing chaos, we made the decision to get out. It seemed imperative that we get to where no people were so that we could just try to survive the coming holocaust.
I woke up wondering if our little family could survive something like that. While I have some food storage and have taken some prepatory measures in case of a major disaster, I know we couldn't survive a long-term crisis without leaving our home and this immediate area.
I'd be lying if I said that the thought of something like this happening doesn't scare the shit out of me. I don't dwell on it, and I don't think it's likely that there will be a single event after which all society in North America will break down. But the fact remains that it is a possibility, especially on a smaller scale (natural disaster, political riots, etc.).
For several years I've felt like I'm being pulled along a path. I don't know if it's God, my own interests, or just my imagination. I almost feel compelled to make my life more simple, to be as self-sufficient as possible, to learn as much as I can about raising and growing our own food and creating our own energy. I want our home to be a refuge from the world; not isolated, but just a safe-haven where I don't have to worry about "what happens if..." scenarios because I know we can handle it.
It started out with a spark of an idea, to store some food in case of an emergency, as well as Shayne and I both wanting to live in a cabin in the woods. Granted, our cabin idea was more whimsical than practical, more an aesthetic ideal than anything else. But the two together have grown and caught fire, and I now feel a burning need to make it happen.
I am impatient and slightly obsessive by nature; when I want something, I plan it out to the last detail. I think over the possibilities and look repeatedly for variations until I find what I feel to be the best course of action. And I always want it yesterday. I hate waiting. I've gotten better at it, at least externally, but I continue to think and mull over an idea until it happens or I'm able to move on to the next great idea. I've been doing it off and on with my bathroom and kitchen remodeling plans since we've moved into the house. I have a friend who is exactly the same; if I have the seeds of a mental illness planted here, at least I'm not alone!
We're doing everything that we realistically can at the moment to save money, finish up the house, and move on to our dream. I know that there's not much else we can do right now. It's just making me nuts that I can't live the type of life I dream of right here, right now. We've taken steps. I have the garden, the chickens, the food storage. I'm still learning, and there's a lot more I need to know before I can even pretend that we might be somewhat self-sufficient.
But that dream, that idea, is still there...burning. And I don't want to wait any more.