The story of the twins: Part 10

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

We named her Sophia Marie.  She weighed 7 oz and was 8 inches long.  She had a heartbeat for about 4 hours after birth, and we were able to have her blessed by the hospital chaplain before she died.  We had my mom and MIL in to meet our baby girl, and both of them held her.  But I couldn't.  I looked, but I just couldn't bring myself to hold the baby my body had forced from my womb.  The hospital took photos, footprints, and made a cast of her hands.  A professional photographer also came in to take pictures.  Later that night, the funeral home came to pick her up.  We're having her and her brother cremated and plan to plant a tree in their memory.  We may or may not scatter the ashes.

The placenta was sent off to a lab to be checked for abnormalities.  Both were fused, which is what caused my body to continue contractions after Baby A  (we named him Owen Lee) was born.  Somehow my body knew that a placenta needed to come out, but didn't realize it was attached to the "live" placenta.  The "dead" placenta was also very likely the source of my infection.  Once I had miscarried Owen, loss was inevitable.

I came home from the hospital yesterday morning, after receiving more antibiotics overnight.  It's good to be home and to spend time with Ethan, but I'm just so sad.  Shayne and I had agreed after our first loss, that if we ever had another, we'd be done trying for babies.  And although I know it's way too soon to make decisions, all I want right now is a baby.  I feel cheated.  I never wanted or expected twins, and was just starting to get used to the idea.  Now I have to adjust to the idea of no babies at all.  It's so hard.


StuccoHouse said...

I'm am very sorry for your loss.

Coni said...

This morning I was following a lead about Craftsmen homes, came to your blog and found myself crying at the computer. Life and loss is always a story worth telling. I am so sorry for your very great loss.

Kendra said...

It was so hard to read about the twins, had to be hard to share. I'm still so sorry...