I took a "mental health day" from work - I just couldn't bear to go in and face anyone. I couldn't even call in and talk to the secretary. She's a nice woman, but asks lots of questions, and I just couldn't deal. I know it's because she cares, she cried yesterday when I told her we had lost one of the babies, but I wasn't up for it today. I texted a co-worker and asked him to tell her to put me down for a sick day when he went in. He had taken a personal day, but he called in for me. I love my guys. I guess the secretary tried to play 20 questions with him too, but all I had told him was that I was tired and emotionally drained.
I still dropped Ethan off at the babysitters (my best friend's parents) and spent some time talking with them. Just normal stuff, nothing about babies or pregnancy or anything stressful. It was nice to be able to forget about everything for 20 minutes.
I came home, ate some junk food - I am SUCH a stress-induced eater! - and chilled out reading for a while. And then I had to use the bathroom. While I was sitting, I just lost it. I'm so tired of waiting for something to fall out of me every time I have to pee! I'm tired of wearing pads. I've been in the damned things for 3 weeks, and now I can't even wear cloth because I don't want to risk any infection. I'm sick of every little stomach gurgle making me paranoid, of counting the days to some magical "safe" number that will never make me feel safe, and of wondering if my body will suddenly reject the baby girl I still have growing inside me.
I now totally understand why people have scheduled inductions or c-sections. If I were 36 weeks today, I'd tell them to just cut me open and get this baby out already. I want to see her, I want to *know* she's okay instead of just waiting and hoping for itty-bitty little flutters. I want to hold a living baby, not a tiny, still being that fit in the palm of my hand.
I don't even have any tears left, but I can't stop crying today. I'm not sure what I'm even crying for. Loss of Baby Boy? Worry for Baby Girl? Self-pity? Fear of the future? I even feel sort of relieved that I'm *not* having twins, because I just was never able to wrap my head around having two babies at once. Obviously, I'd never have wished for this to happen, but... It's all just a big jumble. I know it's all normal and natural, and I'm working through a lot at one time. I know it's not all going to go away overnight. I know that it will get a little easier.
But today it all just really sucks.