House of cards?

I keep wondering whether the healthy attitude I have about the loss of our babies is real or a defense mechanism.  I'm sad.  I'm so incredibly sad, and disappointed too.  But after my first miscarriage, I was sad in a different way.  I felt like God was punishing me, like if I'd done things differently, made different choices in my life, then maybe He wouldn't have taken my baby from me.  It felt like He was retaliating, or trying to prove a point, or something. I was angry, and guilt-ridden, and miserable, on top of the "normal" feelings of loss and sadness.

This time it's different, even though the loss is several orders of magnitude larger.  These were babies, not just a ball of cells that never developed into a baby.  But this time I feel like loss is just a part of life.  It seems that with everything modern medicine can do for people, we've lost sight of the fact that it is not God.  There are so many things medicine can't fix.  This seems especially true when it comes to reproduction.  Before 24 weeks, and often not even then, there's really nothing that can be done when things go wrong with babies.  Sometimes they can help the mother, like in the case of incompetent cervix or some premature labors.  But the baby itself...  It's all in God's hands.  

I no longer see God as a angry and vengeful being, meting out punishments.  I don't think He points His finger and says, "You will have cancer," or, "You will suffer from AIDS."  Granted, I do believe that He could make all disease, sickness, and suffering stop.  But it's part of our life experience, and how we live our life and the sometimes painful experiences in it, determines our character.  I could choose to become bitter.  But instead, I'm choosing to look ahead and remain hopeful that we will be blessed with another healthy, full-term child in the future.


Anonymous said...


Kelly said...

I enjoy reading your blog, and am sorry for your loss.