The story of the twins: Part 10

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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We named her Sophia Marie.  She weighed 7 oz and was 8 inches long.  She had a heartbeat for about 4 hours after birth, and we were able to have her blessed by the hospital chaplain before she died.  We had my mom and MIL in to meet our baby girl, and both of them held her.  But I couldn't.  I looked, but I just couldn't bring myself to hold the baby my body had forced from my womb.  The hospital took photos, footprints, and made a cast of her hands.  A professional photographer also came in to take pictures.  Later that night, the funeral home came to pick her up.  We're having her and her brother cremated and plan to plant a tree in their memory.  We may or may not scatter the ashes.

The placenta was sent off to a lab to be checked for abnormalities.  Both were fused, which is what caused my body to continue contractions after Baby A  (we named him Owen Lee) was born.  Somehow my body knew that a placenta needed to come out, but didn't realize it was attached to the "live" placenta.  The "dead" placenta was also very likely the source of my infection.  Once I had miscarried Owen, loss was inevitable.

I came home from the hospital yesterday morning, after receiving more antibiotics overnight.  It's good to be home and to spend time with Ethan, but I'm just so sad.  Shayne and I had agreed after our first loss, that if we ever had another, we'd be done trying for babies.  And although I know it's way too soon to make decisions, all I want right now is a baby.  I feel cheated.  I never wanted or expected twins, and was just starting to get used to the idea.  Now I have to adjust to the idea of no babies at all.  It's so hard.

The story of the twins: Part 9

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Worst day ever... I'm still at the hospital, so this will be quick. I started to miscarry last night and lost a lot of blood. We came to the hospital around 8 am. I had an infection as well as needing a blood transfusion and fluids.

I delivered Baby Girl several hours layer. The placentas were fused, and my body has been trying to rid itself of the "dead" portion since I had Baby Boy. It was also likely the cause of the infection.

I still feel horrible. I don't know how to deal with it, and all I can do is cry. I'm staying overnight at the hospital because of the transfusions, but will go home in the morning. I'm just heartbroken.

The story of the twins: Part 8

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Things aren't looking good.  I started cramping and having contractions last night, and I lost maybe 3 good-sized pieces of what appeared to me to be placenta.  I also lost a lot of fluid at one point, but I wasn't able to determine really how much or what color it was, because I was sitting on the toilet at the time.  There's a really good chance that it was amniotic fluid.  I pretty much prepared for the worst and resigned myself to the fact that I was having a miscarriage.

And then it all stopped.  Again.  I wish my body would figure out what the heck it's doing and do it already.  

I called my midwife, and the ultrasound tech doesn't come in til this afternoon.  I have an appointment at 12:45 to see what's going on with my cervix, the placenta, and amniotic fluid levels.  I'm almost scared that the baby will still have a heartbeat.  I sort of just don't want to hope anymore.  My midwife wasn't terribly optimistic, but also seemed confused that everything had suddenly stopped.  I can still feel the baby high up in my uterus, laying transverse.  I thought I felt movement once, but I'm nowhere near sure.

I just don't know.

Later: The only "good" news is that the baby still has a heartbeat (154).  My membranes did rupture, likely from all the contracting to pass a large piece of placenta last night.  The baby has some fluid, but not much.  The doc says not enough for lung development, but I've read some stories about similar situations, and I still have a shred of hope.  My cervix was more open than it was before, but I'm still passing bits and pieces. It's not fully dilated or anything, so they have no idea if I'm close to a full-blown miscarriage or not.

Basically, we're still wait-and-see.  The OB is going to talk to the perinatologist to see if an infusion of fluid may do some good.  The OB was of the opinion that is of more risk than benefit right now. There is a small chance that the membranes will repair themselves and/or refill, but it's not likely.

I was so shocked that there was still a heartbeat.  If nothing else, this little baby girl is a hell of a fighter.  

Even later:  Ugh.  What a long, crappy, trying day.  I can still feel baby girl moving around, and my heart just breaks that my body isn't the safe place for her that it should be. 

My temp is up to a little over 100F, and every other time I've had a temperature spike, it's meant that I'm preparing to lose more tissue/placenta/whatever.  I'm NOT looking forward to tonight.  The cervix and uterus aren't supposed to be voluntary muscles, but I wonder if somehow I'm holding everything in during the day and it can only come out after I've gone to sleep.  I've heard of women holding off having babies during wars or for spouses to arrive, and I wonder if I'm inadvertently just prolonging things.

Part of me wants so badly to just be done.  I don't see a happy ending to this no matter what, since there will be physical effects to my baby even if she manages to make it to viability.  And then I feel her wiggle around inside me, and I know I can't possibly give up when she's fighting so hard.  What a horrible place to be.

The story of the twins: Part 7

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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The good news is that we're 8 days in, and Baby Girl is still in there.  Not-so-good news is that I was up with contractions for what seemed like half the night.  Talk about making you paranoid, especially because the baby was lower in my uterus than usual.  I can't say how many contractions or how often, because I was honestly afraid to look.  I just figured if I was going to give birth, I'd know soon enough.  I drank a big glass of water, laid on my side, and prayed that if this was it I'd get it over quickly.  And they went away.  

Looking back at Ethan's birth, I had a few times where I initially thought I was in labor.  I would have regular contractions for an hour or so, then they'd taper off and go away.  But when the real labor contractions hit, they were so much stronger than the "practice" contractions.  And now that I'm awake and rational, this seems like much the same thing, more like BH contractions than the Real Thing.

This morning, Baby Girl was back up high in my uterus and I could feel her moving around.  I'm feeling much, much better emotionally than yesterday, but I'm SO tired.  I'd kill for a decent night of sleep.   On top of all the pregnancy-related drama, we've had a plumbing back-up, flooded basement, and a $800 bill for installing a clean-out in our main drain.  We'll also have bills from 2 hospital visits, though I'm praying it'll be like when I had Ethan and between my and Shayne's insurance, we'll come out free and clear.  It's been a rough couple weeks.  I'll take my vacation now!!  

The story of the twins: Part 6

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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I took a "mental health day" from work - I just couldn't bear to go in and face anyone.  I couldn't even call in and talk to the secretary.  She's a nice woman, but asks lots of questions, and I just couldn't deal.  I know it's because she cares, she cried yesterday when I told her we had lost one of the babies, but I wasn't up for it today.  I texted a co-worker and asked him to tell her to put me down for a sick day when he went in.  He had taken a personal day, but he called in for me.  I love my guys.  I guess the secretary tried to play 20 questions with him too, but all I had told him was that I was tired and emotionally drained.  

I still dropped Ethan off at the babysitters (my best friend's parents) and spent some time talking with them.  Just normal stuff, nothing about babies or pregnancy or anything stressful.  It was nice to be able to forget about everything for 20 minutes.

I came home, ate some junk food - I am SUCH a stress-induced eater! - and chilled out reading for a while.  And then I had to use the bathroom.  While I was sitting, I just lost it.  I'm so tired of waiting for something to fall out of me every time I have to pee!  I'm tired of wearing pads.  I've been in the damned things for 3 weeks, and now I can't even wear cloth because I don't want to risk any infection.  I'm sick of every little stomach gurgle making me paranoid, of counting the days to some magical "safe" number that will never make me feel safe, and of wondering if my body will suddenly reject the baby girl I still have growing inside me.

I now totally understand why people have scheduled inductions or c-sections.  If I were 36 weeks today, I'd tell them to just cut me open and get this baby out already.  I want to see her, I want to *know* she's okay instead of just waiting and hoping for itty-bitty little flutters.  I want to hold a living baby, not a tiny, still being that fit in the palm of my hand.

I don't even have any tears left, but I can't stop crying today.  I'm not sure what I'm even crying for.  Loss of Baby Boy?  Worry for Baby Girl?  Self-pity?  Fear of the future?  I even feel sort of relieved that I'm *not* having twins, because I just was never able to wrap my head around having two babies at once.  Obviously, I'd never have wished for this to happen, but...  It's all just a big jumble.  I know it's all normal and natural, and I'm working through a lot at one time.  I know it's not all going to go away overnight.  I know that it will get a little easier.  

But today it all just really sucks.

The story of the twins: Part 5

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Still here.  7 days down.  

I had a really rough night last night.  I lost a dried apricot-sized clot around 7 pm, and freaked out a little bit.  I spent the rest of the evening just laying down and taking it easy, trying to feel Baby Girl moving.  I started bleeding a little more, but that seems normal, since something detached and came out.  I felt a little better after nothing else happened, and even managed to get to bed early.

But I must have gotten up 4 or 5 times overnight just to check and see if I was bleeding.  I'd lay there in bed, and it would feel like my pad was sopping wet, or that blood was just running out of me...  And I'd go to the bathroom and there would be nothing.  Not that I'm complaining that it was nothing, but it sure didn't make for a restful night.  On top of it all, I had some gas from my prenatal, and every time I'd feel *something* moving around in my pelvis, I'd kind of freak out a bit until I was sure what it was.

I was going to go back to work full time starting tomorrow, but maybe I'll wait for that magic 2 week mark.  Hopefully then I'll be sleeping a little better and/or more relaxed.  I'm kind of an emotional mess today. 

Later:  I ended up passing another little clot, so I called my midwife.  She was on her days off, but still spent about a half hour on the phone talking with me.  She agrees that if I'm going to miscarry at this point, it will be a big, physically traumatic thing.  Not like I'll just sit down on the toilet and have a baby fall out with no warning.  I sort of assumed as much, but it was nice to hear it from someone else.  She encouraged me to stay positive, since my body has done everything it could so far to keep Baby Girl safe, and even though I'm bleeding more, it's pretty obviously in response to losing clots and not totally random.  

I'm still just having a rough day.  All I want to do is cry.  It's so freaking HARD to not know what's going to happen, on top of having lost one baby already.  I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this pregnancy without having a mental breakdown. 

The story of the twins: Part 4

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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6 days!

I seriously dread every night because that's when I lost the baby and both pieces of the placenta.  Since there was no pain, I kind of freak out a bit every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  It's like I'm just waiting for something else to fall out, even though I know that if there were problems now, it would be a full-blown labor/miscarriage experience and have lots of signs.

I was reading a bit in the birth loss forums, and came across a good idea.  I had my mom make some phone calls, and we found a funeral home that will cremate Baby Boy for us for free.  I feel terrible about keeping him in the freezer...   But I don't want to bury him until we know what will happen with his sister.  This will be a good interim solution, and then we may choose to scatter his ashes near the place where he was born and still plant the tree in our yard as a memorial.

I wasn't feeling Baby Girl moving yesterday, so I got a little worried.  I laid on the couch and called my best friend, and she started wiggling up a storm.  I guess she likes her "aunt"!  I also felt her a bit last night.  I'm so, so grateful for every day she stays inside growing bigger and stronger.  Only 8 more days til the doc will be more optimistic, then 7 weeks to official viability.  

The story of the twins: Part 3

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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We're 5 days post-delivery of Baby A, and Baby B still seems fine.  I'm spotting less and less, and I feel better physically than I have in AGES.  I was exhausted and in pain for a long time before this happened.  But now I'm cautiously optimistic that everything will be okay. I was worried from week 7 that something was wrong with this pregnancy, and after finding that it was twins, I was worried about losing one.  I never expected to miscarry, but I was worried about vanishing twin, or having major complications from them being born too early.  I'm still worried that Baby B might not stick, but I don't feel like I'm going to lose her, you know what I mean?  I must pray at least a hundred times a day for her to stay in there and stay healthy, and I hope that God is going to bless us with a miracle baby.  

We've decided to bury Baby A in the backyard and plant a tree over him.  We are thinking a weeping cherry, since 1) they have beautiful flowers, and 2) we were up north in cherry country when I gave birth to him.  We don't plan on living here forever, but I'm okay with leaving him if we move.  My aunt thinks we should buy a cemetery plot or something... But I don't want to be buried in a cemetery, and I don't want my baby in one either.  If I could legally bury him up on a sand dune by Lake Michigan or in a cherry orchard, I'd do that.  Barring that, I believe his place is at home.  I guess I'm not that attached to the physical remains of people.  My grieving process isn't dependent on or helped by being able to "visit" them.  I would like to maybe have his footprints engraved or photo-engraved on a pendent or something.

The story of the twins: Part 2

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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Okay.  I saw both my OB and a maternal fetal medicine specialist this morning.  They just checked for a heartbeat at my OB appointment, and asked general questions about how I was doing, are we coping okay, etc.  He did find a heatbeat, though the baby was squirming so much that we couldn't get an accurate reading.

At the specialist, we had a very detailed ultrasound.  She checked the placenta, my cervix, the amniotic sac, and all major anatomy.  The placenta has blood flow to the entire organ, and my cervix appears to be closed.  They usually use a transvaginal ultrasound to check cervical stuff, but because of the risk of infection, just used the abdominal one.  Baby B is doing just fine, is still measuring about a week ahead, and shows no signs of being in any distress.   And, from what the tech saw, she is just about positive that Baby B is a little girl.  

The not-so-good news is that I could still miscarry at any time.  The specialist said that in 30 years of practice, he has seen this happen 5 times.  In one, the mother miscarried both twins 5 days apart at a little over 20 weeks.  I didn't ask what happened to the other 4.  He did say that if Baby B stays in there for 2 weeks after the birth of Baby A, he sees no reason why I couldn't and wouldn't carry til the baby is full term.  Basically, the longer the baby is in there, the less we can worry.  Right now it's just day by day.  There is still a significant risk of infection, but he doesn't want to suppress my immune system by arbitrarily ordering antibiotics.  He also said that everything looks nearly perfect physically, and that if he hadn't known I'd just miscarried a baby, there would be no indications that anything had happened.

So I guess it's about as good as it can be.  I'll take it.  Please, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  Stay in there Baby Girl!

The story of the twins: Part 1

I am posting these updates retroactively.  It's actually August 1, but I feel like this is an important part of my life to share.  These posts were originally on a message board, but since my blog is something like my journal, I wanted to have the story here as well.  Also, I'm sure I'll mention these events in the future, so I want the background available.  And, just maybe, my story will help someone else who is going though the same thing.

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I lost one of the twins two days ago...  

Shayne, Ethan, Alex (my step-daughter), and I were on vacation with my mother.  We'd rented a cottage near Lake Michigan near Northport and were just planning on sitting on the beach, eating good food, and chilling out for a few days.  I'd still been spotting and having weird pains, but I talked to the nurse practitioner at my midwife practice before I left, and she had said there's really no reason not to go; we weren't sure why I was having complications, but I'm so early that there's not much to be done anyways in the event of problems.  I figured a little R&R would be a good thing, and hopefully I'd get rested up and start to feel a little better.  I just haven't felt good since I had that flu about 2 weeks ago.

We got there, and everything was pretty much business as usual til the second day.  I had a big gush of fluid at about 6 pm.  Looking back, it was amniotic fluid, but I'd been having so much else going on "down there" that I sort of dismissed that thought.  I did mention it to Shayne, but said I wasn't positive.  But later that night I started bleeding more and had two small contractions.  I gave birth to Baby A at about 2:30 am on the 19th.  

We went to the hospital and took the baby with us.  They checked to see if they could determine gender, but he (I'm just going to call it a he) was so small that they couldn't be sure.  They took little impressions of his feet and photos for us and put it all together in a memory box.

I had an ultrasound there, and Baby B appeared to be doing fine.  There was still a heartbeat and plenty of amniotic fluid.  My cervix was also closed, which was a good thing.  I didn't appear to be in imminent danger of losing the other baby, but the doctor said that the prognosis just isn't good.  I guess when you lose one and actually give birth to it, the chances for having a successful pregnancy with the second baby go way down.  I'd heard of vanishing twin syndrome (and was oddly worried about it since finding out I was pregnant with twins), but I've not really heard of losing and birthing one but not the other.

I'm on my way home now.  We have an appointment with my midwife and ob tomorrow, then they'll decide whether or not they still want me to keep my specialist appointment that I had already scheduled.  When I spoke to the nurse practitioner on the phone, she said that she has heard of a successful, full-term pregnancy after the loss of one baby, but we just have to be very careful about infection.  I'm also worried because the hospital doc said I wasn't likely to lose the placenta until after I gave birth to the other baby (whether that be sooner or later), but I'm pretty sure I lost one piece on each of the past two nights...

I feel so strange.  I'm so sad about losing Baby A, but grateful that Baby B seems ok.  But I don't want to get my hopes up.  Even if everything still looks okay at the appointment tomorrow, I know I'll spend the rest of the pregnancy paranoid.  My weird pains are gone, and there was really no pain at all from the birthing process - not at all like my first miscarriage.  I'm still spotting, too.  It's like just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  *sigh*  I hate being pregnant...  I wish there was some way to know if my other baby will be okay.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.